the relative isolate

on the topic of the isolate-feeling a human may project:

"indeed, it does not seem logical that 'my kind' are a rarity, just a rarity in discovery."

which, ultimatley, within the context of society- of human cultural constructs, is "exception"; is "rare."

part impartial

{from a personal file note dated 10 the 6 2009}

"i don't have emotions on my pants."  meaning i keep many things to myself.  what i am to any one person is a fragment.  all those that know me are the puzzle pieces of who i am, with me being (the key to assembly) the final piece to complete it.

keys on the counter

because of my adventuring earlier today(thursday morning actually), i collected a new song along the way: “happy up here” by röyskopp (from norway) off their more current album “junior.” i “know” norwegian bands. they sing to me quite often. so while this is the maybe the first time i’ve recognized/known this band they sound much like what i already know and continue to be attracted to or “hear.” itunes, i’ve been off of itunes for awhile. not that i was buying all the time but that i would definitely visit and sample more often a few years ago when i had an internet connection at home. now i seek out itunes at hotspots when i get the opportunity, especially when going after a new song or needing to buy songs on my memory-list. i bought the video to “happy up here” as well (on itunes). the prices seem to be going up. where all songs were .99 cents in the past now there are songs for 1.29. and whether or not this comes with explanation from itues/apple or not is beside the point that, originally/in the past all songs were .99 cents. where some songs were unavailable except with the album purchase and of course videos were 1.99 or more depending on if there time or syndication, etc. but they were all .99 cents. it seems the “singles” and perhaps other special releases (or singular releases) are the ones at 1.29. perhaps to exploit the fact that the newer trend/generation tends to be one of singled-out buys. where people only buy a few songs instead of whole albums. so why not exploit those songs by increasing the price? apple/itunes (or whoever) does need to stay in business after all? i mean, we as consumers would not have places to go and buy these things from if the places that sold those things could not stay in business? right? (sarcasm of course) but of course, there is always balance. a friend of mine started saying once, or putting it to this word/idea, that exploitive behaviour like described above is tantamount to, or by extension, antisocial.
i feel this too.

[a sampling of imagined thoughts of these kinds of “antisocial” persons, less the tactful, ulterior motive, ethics, moral, covers.]
“we need to get more money because we can. where can we get more money from? there is so much opportunity being lost here. success is about money/power/control. i need to feed my family/protect my own.”

responsibility is not isolated to the self. whether or not we take or acknowledge responsibility, it is an element that exists, especially in human culture(s). the connection we share as existence entities (life or nonlife including) has it’s relative responsibilities. this is, of course, an abstract element but since we perceive and are aware of this element (whether distinctly or not) then we, as humans, are influenced by it, involved in it. perhaps- depend on it.

observations on the toes of linoleum

the tree i currently have up (has been since christmas 2007) was bought at target in november 2007. it has 2,000+ tips and 600 lights. the price printed on the label was $179.95 (but i remember getting a discount of some sort). this year, whether economically influenced or just the thoughts or misconceptions of economic “crisis/downturn,” the christmas aisles at target (and other stores) have come swiftly into place. there seems to be more of a holiday presence with the in-store hanging décor (globe ornament-esque shapes made out of heavy cardboard strips that attach at top and bottom “poles” to create the globe shape) and the themes seem to be more nostalgic this year than before. i noticed that the new “skin” of the packaging is the same flat-and-gloss striped type that has been used for years now at target. this year it is a red colour with no other colours used except for the gloss stripes (in past years some of the stripes were actual different colours and not just light-affecting varnishes). the only items i could see that were “recycled” from last year were the tree stars. they were in the black striped theme of last year and the backs still said “2008.” target is very consistent with updating year dates on their merchandise or packaging.
the artificial trees this year are not as advanced as may have been if the economic momentum had not been interrupted (though there is a slight shift to the slender tree). one of the trees this year is almost exactly the same as the one i bought in 2007. it is called something different but it is still a blue spruce variety and it looks exactly the same except for a few differences. it is 7.5’ and has attached pine cones similar in type to the ones attached to my current tree (versus a different variety of cone). it has the same angled four-legged stand and it is a hinged pre-lit variety. but the main difference is that this tree is $229 and only has 1,775 tips with 500 lights compared to $179 with over 2,000 tips and 600 lights.

it is interesting to see trends, inflation, profit gouging greed or innovation, cultural changes, attitude changes. this is observed and identified in the individuals- the consumers as well as the retail stores and manufacturers. the “climates” of human social structures are a very rich and dynamic source of existential indication.

cultural subtlety

mountain dew baja blast has been around for a few years now. but only at taco bell. i discovered about a year after trying it that it is a lime-based flavour. i have not done any research about this but i wonder if the drink is a taco bell exclusive.
as a side note because i know i have not documented this yet in any way (i think) is that i continue to like the taco bell sauce packets with the funny phrases on them. including the purple one that replaced the orange hot colour that was out about a year ago for feedthebeat.com.i suppose the packets will be discontinued eventually, probably soon. but it has been nice to have a little “flavour” like this in the popular culture mainstream.

state

[from an e-mail to my friend storm]

this(this message) is one of those things that is said or talked about or stated because of the “just in case.” in these times of disconnectivity and isolation i believe this even more important than is (what i would perceive as being) normally needed. needed for human connectivity: bonds, social group(s), community, relationship(s), cultural process, etc.

i believe in some form or another this characteristic or attribute has been me or of me since my genetic disposition was first committed to course: that i am “home.” that i am “singular.” a “part.” i believe (as best as i can observe given memory’s tricky dynamic) that this characteristic was nurtured early-on by varying influences in my life (some of which i can detect and discover others have remained vague emotional references). i also believe that, more or less, i would have come to the same current relative result no matter the influences, well.. that is, to a certain degree. exceptional intense degrees in any direction obliterate balance and thus destroy or smother the genetic propensity or inherent state of a thing(in this case, a living being – human).

i also understand more and more that (or i should say that i’ve understood this or have been made to understand this and am reaffirmed of it’s truth by continued observances, reflections, questioning, and experience) this really only applies to my relative “type” of person. that is, a person who is relatively similar to who i am based on experience, genetic disposition, cultural influence(s), knowledge, instincts, intellect, etc.
humans are very similar, but at the same time, very different or varied. varied is the better word to use, i believe, than “different.” the connotations and associations of words and their usage confuse things often in communication. it is unfortunate we cannot mind meld, but mind meld with expertise and not simply to have the ability to meld.

it is obvious to me, at all times, that each human’s actions and response(same as “actions” but verbally, but seemingly needing to be a separate list item) are their own. we each dictate reality. whether or not we realize this, feel this, know it, is entirely separate. there are plenty of people who by culture, experience, programming, influence, conditioning, situation, are blinded to this inherent attribute of the evolved brain and aware human mind.
i sense, often if not mostly, that people forget this fact, state, or at least potential state.

wherever i go i am home. i can be overwhelmed by the inundation of cultural pressure, influence or the pressures of context or decision, but on the average, in general, i am home. but not “home,” because home is not a singular thing for me. as it turns out there is nothing i can detect or observe that is singular for me. even myself is not singular. when i think on myself or of myself i quickly feel that i am not singular or permanent. i am cells, then molecules, then atoms. i am a part of the population, a part of atomic presence; i am both incidental and essential. the phrase “i am everything and nothing,” may seem like portraic* and esoteric existentialism but it is just a tool after all, and it does have a solid use. the phrase or phrasing like it say a lot.

*poor-tray-ich – meaning something that is beyond one’s self but is ultimately an empty rigid portrayal or projection of false ideal. much like the fawning or fussing one might do over an honoured portrait of one’s self but especially a portrait of someone looked up to or that the person wants to stand behind, though they may not know much or anything of who is depicted in the portrait.

i enjoy the first cognitive sensation upon waking, as well i enjoy those blended moments that can be perceived as being “between” thought or between sleep and wake or wake and sleep. perhaps my current state or situation has afforded me this point of view, this perspective or vantage point; or perhaps it is this current state that has “warped” my outlook, corrupted, or misguided me. but however one might view/word it, it is a perspective i feel rhythm with. have i gravitated toward it, have i created this? or am i a reed in the wind? moss in the stream? tossed here and there without any influence save my own physical presence and simple actions? ultimately one will decide for themselves(either knowingly or unknowingly) the level to which they create the universe or the universe creates them.

ultimately the “challenge” is in the mind. it is thought, or the indication of thought or “consideration” that i find myself attracted to. to varying degrees i tend to be repulsed by the alternative. if i wasn’t this way then i could imagine not even being your friend. because i would not have the interest in how you perceive things, how you think, and therefore i wouldn’t have the chance to bond or connect with you and gain the understand one does with that kind of connection. i could call you “friend” but ultimately you would not be. there are so many people that do not care so much about thought, about discussion, about common sense, about detail. these words are general and thus can mean many kinds of things, but i think you know what i am talking about. when i say “detail” i don’t mean those people who know details or are “detail oriented,” i’m talking more about those people who are perceptive of subtle attributes that give tell to understanding – ultimately it goes back to the “umbrella” of common sense.
people do not seem this way on the surface and there are many behaviours, indicators, or attributes that disguise the lack of this level of thought or concern/contemplation that i am speaking of. it is much like my zombie metaphor years ago about the “woolies” about how there are an exceptional few (comparatively) thinkers surrounded by these relatively non-thinking woolies. there are plenty of people who are in the “sway” (the general and gradated portion of people who go from woolie to nonwoolie or average to exception), and it is these people who can become “infected” or influenced to go the way of the woolie. But just like infected zombie victims, you may not necessarily be able to tell them apart from noninfected sway or exceptionals, at least until they really start to turn. But usually by the time you realize they are infected it is too late for you. you’ll get damaged in some way. maybe you’ll escape. Haha

the charm of humankind is our ability to adapt. it has made us an evolutional success. whether or not this means our continued survival and evolution is uncertain. our ability to adapt has led to our “social group” and the ability for our minds to grow with the excess resources saved by working together and devising intellectual devices such as culture and processes. processes like math, order, arrangement, etc.
despite our differences we do have the ability to coexist well. at the current, we have the issues of imbalance of intellect and instinct, the lack of discipline of the mind. thus we have the issues, we live with, in the world. we have the isolation of country, of race, of neighborhood, of family member, etc.
still, we have the ability. culture is one of the distinctive strengths of humans. culture is ultimately what has evolved. our physical selves are much slower at evolution. this process is what works for survival. because culture, and it’s affects, can outpace the rhythms of basic evolution it is our culture, or our minds, that can temper the balance.

----

ha, i think mainly i just wanted to say that i feel like a water molecule in the ocean. vast and particular, entire and singular. incidental and essential. i just wanted to state that. and in the above i was pretty much spelling it out as best i could while at the same time keeping you in audience to the process.

awareness

“made for each other”
“signs.” “indicators.” “absolutes.” static forms tend to have static cling. with enough of it about your presence you can barely breath through floppin’ sock or wrappin’ sweater. blankets pop your forehead when wandering thought floats by.
when in my view of humanity in the scheme of existence-entire, i am fine with a person who has a balanced perspective on their presence-entire (views, importances, internal and external image mainly for the need for reference points in communication/reality) and then plays with the forms of “signs,” “indicators” and whatnots (indulges or utilizes). but for those that regard these as absolute or rule or standard or that are wholly or mostly unawares, i cannot abide. again this regards only in my view of humanity-specific, how much i want for us – perhaps my ideal of our potential. so i don’t like when i witness unbalanced behaviour. not that i am balanced all the time, but i strive for it or perhaps try not to fuss over it all and get in the way of balance.
but i cannot deny balance, and that in my unaccepting behaviour, even in the specific facet or context of humanity-specific, i disappoint.
i wish people were not, for the most part of the species/population, so unaware; lacking in the instinct for curiosity or if not lacking then having too much resource committed to compact and comfortable conventions of concise convenience.
but i am aware of the way of being that is of me, that all things as are. as they have come to be though environment and experience and the mental dynamic that reacts and works off of the gatherings and inputs of time. i have my reactions and i will not cover those up or discourage them if they feel right, but at the same time, my tempering or balance has me reflecting and keeping observation on all that i am.

perception

for the kind of person(artist) i am, category and staticism(buying into and indulging static-based behaviours) do not work – or should i say “bode well.” there are many artists that buy into convention. they feel they must to some varying degree. the same thing that contributes to my socially-perceived failure is the same thing that keeps my dynamic balanced. “art” may produce tangible leavings, it may not. art by social-definition is more concrete than my state of being creates. art to me is me and all. latent or realized, it is the same. for most i will be too existential or serious or perhaps something more like “explaining away or justifying that he’s not famous, professional, recognized, accomplished, or having done anything but talk and ponder.”
awareness is regardless of action or product. reality and existence are no less the same. my person can be attacked but what i present is the subject at hand and not where it comes from. reference ad hominem.

participant

it is present to me that i have no one culture. i have no one style. in this variable i am much like “pi” in that i have no perceivable or apparent pattern but i have a presence and familiar elements. my style is all styles. my style is no style, no form, no specific way or static lay. It is not intention but evention*.

*eventual invention or creation based on the gathered medium (experience, continuing influence, context[situation and setting], etc.)

i am highly attracted to star trek. like skateboarding or writing(graffiti) the culture and dynamic of these cultures, and of most(if not all) cultures in existence(current, lost, latent, or otherwise), is connected with me. we are all part of a whole. thus all connected ultimately. in this place of awareness, all is or becomes familiar. some things find more relevance or similarity to what you have experienced in life. the feeling of comfort and other instincts draws you and bonds you to those things.
i appreciate and enjoy the specific or extreme behaviours for culture as in trekkies, or otaku, fans, etc. but much like facial hair, i cannot force it for myself. i can indulge through laziness (not shaving) or taking advantage of opportunities arising along existing momentums, or experimentation dabbling here and there, but ultimately who i am reveals that i am incapable of belonging to singular forms of culture or purpose – for long.
i can appreciate the love of cosplay or fantasy but for me it is one tool, one form of existence-entire – a way of capturing life and the wholeness that continually overwhelms my awareness.