a note to my bonds, my friends, my knows-ofs

{this was originally my sentiment to my friend frank. but when i wrote it, i could feel that i was writing not just to him but to all people. and so, i share it here.}


we are all the same, and different – that is our humble. i know it, you know it. we all feel it, but we have our separate bodies. we can get caught in them so easily. i know it well. my whole life has been that struggle. i don’t socialize so well, but i do talk to many people all the time. just... not-- deeply. not full force.

i am tired of that. perhaps broken, or whatever it is-- it hurts too much not to express myself how i feel to do it. i still feel the “lock down” by my old ways, my cultured and bent self is pulling at me. “don’t do it.” and i’m saying “damn you you crap-garbage, look what you’ve done to us.” i proceed to scuff with myself – that crap me. i’ve been winning. it’s tough though.

you are human frank. i look up to that. i am human, i realize that. but i am a diminished one. but i know we are the same. we all have our troubles, our emotions, we also have those intellectual knows – what has to be done, what “should” be done. i don’t want to make anyone feel idolized or like i’m making them bigger than they are- “more human than human.” i am dramatic though. expression does that to you. especially when you let it fly freely or without so much reserve (at least as much as i’ve had in my past.). i’m healing and growing, and thriving. it will hurt and there will be a mess. but i will shine once again, and people will know it, because they will feel it.

inspiration is inspiration, there needs to be no condition or exposition to validate it. when you feel the energy of someone’s life, that is proof enough.

i feel yours, and so – i say it to you directly. no more of the couch. the pillows are flung!

plastyk brat

i am underway, but need to reconcile the muck i've collected about myself.  my friend frank, tells me about eating elephants and though one could argue all the aspects out(mince words), the point of a saying or quote is to capture expression into a shareable accessible form.  the sayings themselves shouldn't be taken as absolutes or all encompassing - they shouldn't be taken so seriously to the point that the point is missed.

the reconciliation is about my resources versus my now awakened ambition - additionally, i not only have decades of imagination byproducts to express but i continually have new ones.  i am very much behind even when it comes to my own mind.

my three-painting goal is proceeding. painting is great.  brush and balance of humidity or flow along with viscosity and texture.  coverage, placement, skill, technique.  but always, those things are a service to the mind, tools, ingredients.

i have a nice, though short, collection of canvas to paint on.  they'll do for a time.  and it's not an issue, the canvas availability. the main issue is in the sculptural forms i am drawn to work on.  i've called these "nitsches" in the past and more recently "column incidents" (i think i called them "columns"). sometimes i refer to the way to capture my mind as "movements" much like the bowels do.  in ways art is just like any other exhaust or refuse.  it captures necessary elements.  a bowel movement captures necessary waste to expel - a very important and valuable thing to have happen. 
the mind consumes and creates and utilizes and absorbs all kinds of nutrients from experience.  it produces it's own measure of gas.  this "gas" is the exhaust we call expression.  and we'll do all kinds of crazy things to let it out; amazing things.  from limb to voice it comes out in all kinds of ways.

i'm still figuring out how to make these incidents- tangible.  they ellude my construction.  but i must commit them to tangible meals that can be distributed.

i'm going to have to find a medium that is small, shapable, moldable, but that is not oil/grease clay or soap.  i have access to alot of discarded cardboards in many grades and guages. those will help.
this way i can mock up my ideas and shape and experiment until they reveal their recipe.

the "p" in please

reason and logic are forsaken and/or obliterated in the presence of absolutes and emotion.
the dynamic of principle and practical.

{title utilizes word-play.  all definitions for "principle" and "practical" are implied}

part impartial

{from a personal file note dated 10 the 6 2009}

"i don't have emotions on my pants."  meaning i keep many things to myself.  what i am to any one person is a fragment.  all those that know me are the puzzle pieces of who i am, with me being (the key to assembly) the final piece to complete it.

medium pressure

i sit down and try to type out simple ideas and thoughts or conversation – but the intensity of the medium of language, of word quickly obliterates purpose and i get lost to expressive powers. exploring the diversity and textures of flowing letterform and ribbons of definition gliding and compacting into fiercely delightful gravitous forms of meaning. saturate gatherings of nonsense with innuendo and magma that melts away exposition and definition. the atomic presence of the letter, its words and presence explains everything.


in those moments of writing and composing, vying for influence and dubious control, i am quickly satisfied and overwhelmed. but i come back after a time. after a bit of conversation with the slights above brow and subtle under-nose’.

tide navigation

at times i find myself in overlap and/or parallel to the tides of the average human mind.  but i do not find myself reacting or responding to trend.  i do not sense the urge or emotional response to belong to trends, to participate in them for the sake of participation or belonging.  that i find similarity with the average person is coincidence; a temporary state of variable alignment.  i also do not find myself avoiding trends for the sake of avoidance or "being different." 

snuggy.  what an item, no?  it must be bought, no?  of course there are plenty of people who say no.  but how many of those people say no because they simply have no interest and not because they are acting out against the trend, trying to be different/original, like being contrary, etc.?

i continually react to the way people think.  is it too much to say that people do not think enough?  perhaps they think too much?  what is thinking too much or too little?

for me thinking too much can be when we focus on particulars instead of taking in the bigger picture.  we get caught up in specifics or nuances or attributes. 

thinking too little is when we do not take the time or energy to contemplate, to ask questions, to let our wonder go, to think things through to their possible conclusion or eventuality.

i am emotionally speaking right now, so my thoughts are not fully-rounded.  but in general the two ideas above about too much or little thinking tend to hold true.

i come to realize or be forced to recognize that humans are more different in their limitations of variety than i'd like to think.  it is my ideal that all humans have the same ability for thought.  i figure it is our individual culture or environment or upbringing or influences, etc.  but our biological or genetic disposition contributes to our ability of thought as well.  so i have to recognize that we do not all have the same capacity.

[a sort of related note]

i do not believe in "potential."  the word represents an infinite abstract.  perhaps the better word would be "expectation" (of others or perhaps the self). 

a note on my perspective

one can have a respect for something but not actually respect it

noise

i am beast.

and...

'

you were my breakfast

i've already flushed your result.

a poe about common sense {specifically the relative absence of}

i do not like the scraping of my lucid moments by flail-armed sentries of general mean.

perception

for the kind of person(artist) i am, category and staticism(buying into and indulging static-based behaviours) do not work – or should i say “bode well.” there are many artists that buy into convention. they feel they must to some varying degree. the same thing that contributes to my socially-perceived failure is the same thing that keeps my dynamic balanced. “art” may produce tangible leavings, it may not. art by social-definition is more concrete than my state of being creates. art to me is me and all. latent or realized, it is the same. for most i will be too existential or serious or perhaps something more like “explaining away or justifying that he’s not famous, professional, recognized, accomplished, or having done anything but talk and ponder.”
awareness is regardless of action or product. reality and existence are no less the same. my person can be attacked but what i present is the subject at hand and not where it comes from. reference ad hominem.

frustrated means

a conversation through email is much like a slowly written signature.