Tuesday, October 13, 2009


i am beast.



you were my breakfast

i've already flushed your result.

Monday, October 12, 2009

moses, poseidon, and me

last week (on the 8th) i came home to rain. yes it was raining outside, but when i opened my door i immediately felt the shin of humidity kneeing me in the face. oh yeah, it was a party. and perhaps if i'd come home right after my shift ended i might have had time to partake. but no. i got home hours too late. i ran up stairs as soon as i saw how much water was coming out of my ceiling and wrenching the walls and i ran into an on-call maintenance man who then told me that no, he wasn't my upstairs neighbor and that water pressure had been restored after having fixed a hot water main break.

it has been an ordeal and i've only had about 12 hours sleep total from around 4pm wednesday evening to now at 1am monday morning. most of that 12 hours was had at once saturday night and sunday morning while staying at a semi-relative's home. my house is like one of them puzzles where you only have one free square to maneuver the pieces into making the image complete.

currently i'm still waiting on the carpet cleaners to come and wash and sanitize the place. i worked non-stop from wednesday night until friday night (with about an hourish worth of sleep and about another hours worth of rest/nap/attempts) to remove every single last thing from the floor of the carpeted dining room that was flooded. mostly, the flood was confined to just that room but of course the humidity and smell is affecting the entire apartment. it also hasn't helped that it's been raining these last few days.
i cannot maneuver much in my apartment now and there is little space to do anything until the flooded room is cleaned (it has already been water-vacuumed). but even once the flooded room is completed i am going to need to purge.

this is not haste, nor is it impromptu. what it is, is the bazooka i'd hoped for, the motivator, the surrogate friend that helps me to check myself (i have no actual friends in my real space - they are all virtual-ly connected now) or give me the kick in the butt.
i am tired of stuff. i've been tired for years and years. i'm tired of more than "stuff" but stuff does represent that conditioning and programming that irritates me. my intellect is aware of what i find important, but it is my instinct and habitual devices that completes this jekyll and hyde (of sorts).

it helped that my dvd collection was mostly submerged in water. this helped complete an idea i've had about eliminating excess matter. matter both physically and mentally. what matters?
well, not packaging. not packaging-entire, meaning not "packaging" entirely but the packaging of cd's and especially of dvd's (even blue-ray) is considered by most people to be protective casings, some kind of official standard that is connected to the medium inside. but what is the trade off of the protection you receive from those bulky plastic boxes? and most people cannot keep from scratching their discs even with that supposed protection. my discs are rarely scratched by my own hand. and slip-sleeves bring no new effects to this end - at least at my hand.
so i threw out all the cases fro any dvd or video game i had. even the ones that were dry. all gone now. i still have yet to obtain the disc-cases to house them all, but they do make pretty big ones that will work (holding 300-500 discs each).

this idea of embracing what is important to me, and not just realizing it or knowing it, expands beyond simple elements like dvds or periodicals. the example created by the flood and the ruined dvd covers is transferable to almost any(if not all) elements of life and especially consumerism-entire (or all that consumerism affects or is derivative of).

the momentum faded during my last flood about a year ago. why? because the event did not hit hard enough. i am too optimistic or happy a person and i am highly adaptable to adversity and discomfort (humans are this way in general but i seem to be really really really good at it).
the event did not hit repeatedly or long enough either. when i say "surrogate friend" in speaking about floodings, i mean that a friend who is there offers reflection; either directly or indirectly. they either say things to you subtly or blatantly that makes you aware of your own direction. from there you can take action or alterations in course. or what they say inspires unrelated elements to develop within you.
but without that constant reflection(or existence of "friend") the only other "outside influence" that can do this kind of thing are "events." either life events (health issues, accidents, births, deaths, etc.) or "happenings" which are events like floods, quakes, mud slides, eviction, loss of job, landlord/owner sells off property or looses property forcing move, etc.
these are things that are intense issue. they are not mild versions either. they are events that ultimately change perspective.

and perhaps one would like to think that they can recreate these events in their mind, that they can self-initiate. but some people do and some do not. we are all different and what our current-and-daily result is is "indicator by result" of what our current total capability is.
with everything that we have experienced, are influenced by, take action in, react to, have knowledge of, etc. our "current and daily" result is our capability.

this is not an excuse for responsibility or behaviour. it is recognition of result regardless of emotion or abstract element or association.

i am glad for the parting of matter before my eyes. i am appreciative for poseidon's continued surrogate insinuations. with me back at the helm i am optimistic for clearer weather ahead.

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

a poe about common sense {specifically the relative absence of}

i do not like the scraping of my lucid moments by flail-armed sentries of general mean.