gray area

the individual, the self is pure. is source. is blackness.

the surround is noise, is fog, is whiteness.

but all is connected. part of the process. paths rhythmically resonant to one another.

it is in this place that we exist; this perception and perspective;

this tempered reality we each are the arbiter of.

being

me
you
us
we
they
home
away
toe,
about

the body. human. genetic. culture
action and boil
a smooth and gnarl of gatherings.

a fingered hand. foot prints pursed on concrete pasts.

life is bonus, knowing is bonus bonus.

awareness

“made for each other”
“signs.” “indicators.” “absolutes.” static forms tend to have static cling. with enough of it about your presence you can barely breath through floppin’ sock or wrappin’ sweater. blankets pop your forehead when wandering thought floats by.
when in my view of humanity in the scheme of existence-entire, i am fine with a person who has a balanced perspective on their presence-entire (views, importances, internal and external image mainly for the need for reference points in communication/reality) and then plays with the forms of “signs,” “indicators” and whatnots (indulges or utilizes). but for those that regard these as absolute or rule or standard or that are wholly or mostly unawares, i cannot abide. again this regards only in my view of humanity-specific, how much i want for us – perhaps my ideal of our potential. so i don’t like when i witness unbalanced behaviour. not that i am balanced all the time, but i strive for it or perhaps try not to fuss over it all and get in the way of balance.
but i cannot deny balance, and that in my unaccepting behaviour, even in the specific facet or context of humanity-specific, i disappoint.
i wish people were not, for the most part of the species/population, so unaware; lacking in the instinct for curiosity or if not lacking then having too much resource committed to compact and comfortable conventions of concise convenience.
but i am aware of the way of being that is of me, that all things as are. as they have come to be though environment and experience and the mental dynamic that reacts and works off of the gatherings and inputs of time. i have my reactions and i will not cover those up or discourage them if they feel right, but at the same time, my tempering or balance has me reflecting and keeping observation on all that i am.

perception

for the kind of person(artist) i am, category and staticism(buying into and indulging static-based behaviours) do not work – or should i say “bode well.” there are many artists that buy into convention. they feel they must to some varying degree. the same thing that contributes to my socially-perceived failure is the same thing that keeps my dynamic balanced. “art” may produce tangible leavings, it may not. art by social-definition is more concrete than my state of being creates. art to me is me and all. latent or realized, it is the same. for most i will be too existential or serious or perhaps something more like “explaining away or justifying that he’s not famous, professional, recognized, accomplished, or having done anything but talk and ponder.”
awareness is regardless of action or product. reality and existence are no less the same. my person can be attacked but what i present is the subject at hand and not where it comes from. reference ad hominem.

thoughts on the convention of qualification

art is simple. expression immediate. tangible incarnations; complex and cumbersome.

on matters of segmental appreciation

“it is a one-sided silver-painted cardboard consequence that one foot finds the flat. a sawbuck in the back. spent in futures at the deli on the corner of nostalgia and forth. it will be a big sandwich of broken tooth.”

banks and curbs

the derogatory incarnation of the flattered stone. it is called moss and mold; not too old. moment to moment. but not quite understood. slippery and with a delicate constitution, not of its own but to those clods who find footing upon it’s moistened quips.

mid way

i reflect my own madness. a fun house of mirrors gesturing topically, amusing it seems. a maze of reflection to escape. madness swirls the tube toward the slide of grand exit. afterwards it is the bright light and cloud of the thoroughfare, of cotton candy and allowance spent. thinking, cast off for conventional comforts.
...except for me, standing there in the niche of the uneven rooms of confusion. listening to the rumble of the unbalanced stairs and rolling floors. their action is pleasing to me. their presence soothing.
i am not spun whitening bolt; it is reality- spun about the fold.

lettuce and flies

living abstract lives; most humans are unwittingly bemused by this innate attributal present. afforded the past and futures and engaged by pressured surround, most humans have barely a time for bearings. in-take of world and ground, of infinite and cloud, of toe- of breath.
that we are, is abstract; the knowing of it is abstract. “it depends” changes everything. even the smallest coin means anything; change is change, and so forth and so on any given day, any moment, perception is a screen of dimension and reality.

frustrated means

a conversation through email is much like a slowly written signature.

participant

it is present to me that i have no one culture. i have no one style. in this variable i am much like “pi” in that i have no perceivable or apparent pattern but i have a presence and familiar elements. my style is all styles. my style is no style, no form, no specific way or static lay. It is not intention but evention*.

*eventual invention or creation based on the gathered medium (experience, continuing influence, context[situation and setting], etc.)

i am highly attracted to star trek. like skateboarding or writing(graffiti) the culture and dynamic of these cultures, and of most(if not all) cultures in existence(current, lost, latent, or otherwise), is connected with me. we are all part of a whole. thus all connected ultimately. in this place of awareness, all is or becomes familiar. some things find more relevance or similarity to what you have experienced in life. the feeling of comfort and other instincts draws you and bonds you to those things.
i appreciate and enjoy the specific or extreme behaviours for culture as in trekkies, or otaku, fans, etc. but much like facial hair, i cannot force it for myself. i can indulge through laziness (not shaving) or taking advantage of opportunities arising along existing momentums, or experimentation dabbling here and there, but ultimately who i am reveals that i am incapable of belonging to singular forms of culture or purpose – for long.
i can appreciate the love of cosplay or fantasy but for me it is one tool, one form of existence-entire – a way of capturing life and the wholeness that continually overwhelms my awareness.

unraveling nitsch

kitsch, notch, nits, snitch, itch – from the online resource word suggestion in the email/word connection i have enabled through the email entry i am typing all of this into.

it is interesting how “pi” exists. how, in a word that feels right or balanced, other words in similarity or rhythm further explain or capture, in exponent, the prime word or phrase/idea. “pi,” because a circle exists in theory even before we “invented”/discovered it. it has always been there. or, it was a latent reality. and “pi” comes from the manufactured or artificial arrangement of a circles circumference and diameter. an eventuality in observation and curiosity. one thing leads to another if relative balance exists and questions are answered in relative forms all the while creating new questions and new answers. ultimately the existence of “pi” is revealed as the layers are worn away.
the same idea of “pi” can be applied to all things. since, even “pi” is “of nature” or “natural”; having been discovered by beings of nature (humans). “pi” is an example of another product of nature. another article or attribute of nature. nature’s “experiment” or it’s latent potential becoming realized: eventuality or conclusion (abstracts of human understanding of existence – because static forms are immediately abstract in their existence. time and change create not end to end but overlapping – so there is seemingly never a static moment. “seemingly” because it is probable if not certain that humans do not have a great perspective of existence-entire. thus caveats like “seemingly” or “relative” are utilized to help represent the cloud of potential and latent elements such as the circle or “pi.”
since we are all part of a whole, relationships are continual. continuum. no end or beginning. connected in ways, indirectly, directly. layered influences.

nitsch is fluorescent lights, it is bodega and deli, and cold cases with stainless steel tops. a scale and makeshift wooden shelves with layered and peeling paint. it is old and continually; it is present and new. glass jars with contents. backlit with culture and comfort. nitsch is the secret notches and divots known to the backs, shadow is envious.
collected dust is a dirt. it is memory. dirty and rich experience. textures high-lit by the present segment. the moment of awareness. the layered and overlapping stumble of perception. epiphany in the closet tangle of christmas ribbons and champagne garland. the treasures revealed in the receding topical; the current sea of possibility. algorhythmic eventualities hone the structure, embrace the foundation.
nitsch is that felt and sparkle in the eye, the corduroy brain in the velvet carcass. stitched and darned it’s days of recognition. the stuffing is tight in its perfection. and loose and torn. it was handmade and tired.
i find the uneven and irregular, the odd and dissimilar, attractive. my gravitations have been relatively and continuously consistent. my whole live (an average of) has been this. damaged is as good as undamaged. old and new – the same. it is to the element of preference that decides. preference, a state created by the gathered experience and continued influences. a box of random collected items that eventually find rhythm and create new forms that enhance existing potential.
i live a life of difference. this is an awareness and not an assignment.
this difference is sensitive and the questions and curiosities it provides for are heavily knotted and twisted. loops of yarn telling and asking of until unraveled. there is a demand, i fall behind the quota, the necessity, the intuitive-urge.
i walk until i float through this realm. a temporary stay. the alley of forward action and notice. there are puddles there and haphazard hoses of gardens and intention. it is not neglect, it is byproduct. it is of the whole, this enriched place.
i am flirting with the environment of foundation. we kiss and create the flow of hidden theory. but we are teased with a touch we cannot have. no embrace because we are nothing in this place. we can only accept our state. an endless awareness, always falling, never landing. continuous and moving.

the nitsch is my love, it is my know. my gatherings. it is clumps of rhythmic experience who have found one another. propelled by genetic beginnings, alignments, and activated by the movement of the mental dynamic. influence and experience are it’s food.

nitsch is the bandaid on the dumpster, it is the lichen on the grave, it is the grass patch on the sidewalk, it is the peeling of skin and paint. nitsch is the darkly scented gaze of gabi. the spiced feeling of her yesterday. it is the see-thru of knowing, the back of potential – it cannot be seen except with reflection. mirrors are needed – glass or friend. seemingly common but not too common. ultimately delicate and rare. nitsch is freckled, it is this beautiful indication, this current that can be seen but not defined permanently. it reminds those who are aware of it of the nature of nature. a reciprocal reflection, examples abound in everywhere. letting us know the lesson is ourself. we are our own medium to mold. our own teacher. our own student.
nitsch is dust in the depression. not easily cleansed or collected. because it is not seen by normal or convention. it is protected from the average of process. but it is there. and can be seen and easily retrieved by those who are already there.

instant continual

you are the medium of expression.

know

you are the medium of expression

the hate burrito

when i "hate" something, not just say it, but really feel or think the word "hate," it is not hatred it is an intense dissapointment or reaction to the dissapointment. and perhaps it is also some irrational attachment of ideas.

reflections from the funhouse

the very specifically worded question: "who is the most familiar human on the planet?"

came about one day after some gathered thoughts and observations needed some attention. point of view, perspective, wonder, question, curiosity, discovery - these things made the above question come together. i did not construct it except in the nurtured alteration of certain familiar or associative words that seemed to want more obsurity than what my knees jerked into place.

the question was "exhaust" and not an elaborate design. however, the question does provide self-reflection, something that i cherish and hope for people. providing a kind of mirror of where the mind is at.for me, the question above came about because of gathered thoughts having reinforced something i cannot help be aware of: that i am the most familiar human on the planet. to whom? to myself of course. it was and is the first thing that comes to mind when the question is asked. each of us have different answers to this question, none of which are incorrect or even necessary. since we are all so varied and separate we each hold our own answers and reality. and as living beings we are continual thus our answers become the steps for new questions.

the question remains relevant to each of us on an individual level.

we each decide what is.

when nonsense overwhelms (or “when i'm irritated/pist off.”)

for the artist please disregard this for the most part, this writing is mainly for those who are not “aware.”(and for my own exhaust. it is my nature that cannot embrace and accept the need to explain this stuff to those that are not going to be that well receptive of it anyway, but it is my current nature, and perhaps i should not indulge this, but for the most part i do accept. for some reason, right now, i am compelled, past my own state, to have to explain all of this and otherwise, be so negative.) art is not just canvas or other familiar grounds or supports, it is not limited to those forms. art is anything an artist creates. innovative forms or the work of “genius” are simply “new” forms or means that a larger governing body(this can be a group of people or an influential individual) becomes aware of and shares with others. the “artist”(or the aware individual/person with the vision/sight) has in them what is already speaking. it already has been speaking. the ability to articulate and resultantly-communicate this vision or particular interpretation depends on many things. i "should not have to"(better word and phrasing is "wish i didn't have to" but i'm emotional right now) say this but i will given the audience this is written for(though the chance this audience has of receiving this is very low 1. because of their inherent nature and 2. because i’m not disseminating this to their relative outlets of understanding or awareness): “things” like context, environment, culture, guardians, and experiences. for some artists this is easier since their particular awareness is stronger at birth (their inherent level is, by whatever elements, more intense) for others it is more difficult. and i imagine a gradated level of this “artist” element in all humans. you have the most intense levels outward towards the “fringe” and you have the least amount of these levels towards the core. the core of what?.. the core of our species. the core is by nature, more stable, thus it has high resistance to change and a low tolerance for movement. it also benefits from relative higher protection than the adjacent outward layers. the core is more dense with relative higher pressure present than the adjacent outward layers. it is also my idea that our individual “types” are not necessarily born in or to the layers that we ultimately arrive at. so an artist born in the core will hopefully, eventually be pushed outward to the outer layers they are more in synch with. perhaps the artist will be crushed in the core however, this happens; it also occurs that the artist born in the core remains stuck in the core from too much pressure. likewise there are people of the core that are born in the outer layers. depending on the their inherent level of awareness they will either be influenced by the outer layer and remain or they will find more familiar ground towards the core.

at times something in me wears down or gives way to the prevalent nonsense fussings of most everyone around me. not that i am without nonsense fussing or habits or vice, but that my kind has no place with the common types; the prevalent types. i have little or no outlet, whereas most others do have. not “seem to” have but actually have outlets. of course ultimately it is i who am the “problem” because i am the one “out of the norm” either because of my sudden change in apparent mood or in the deeper inherent continual state of who i am. that i find few rhythms or sense with most people, conventions, and the singular and static forms expected and pushed around the social table.

i am self-effacing and modest, but i am also aware. too much aware (it seems). and am maddened by this awareness. so should i be “tactful” and arrange my words to not be so direct for the benefit of comfort for those that do not see what i see?(maybe so i can be more “likeable” or so people will be more likened to receive what i have to share? this idea is nonsense to me however.) if i see no clothes then there are no clothes – to me of course. but what else am i supposed to see? if everyone else believes that there are clothes when there are none, that is nonsense to me. so “too bad” if i hurt: feelings or whatever else(my own or anyone's), it is not my nonsense that set up feelings to be hurt, whatevers to be disappointed. it is the lack of want to understand and to accept or embrace that ultimately does that. not me*. i do not expect or demand change in anyway. i am not asking for people to agree with me or “see things my way.” i do not care if i am understood or not. i care about connection. and connection does bring with it, understanding but “being understood” or known is not my goal or intention. those are happy byproducts if anything. elements that contribute to the dynamic of connection.

*though obviously, being aware of what one contributes to and the possible result/outcomes, ultimately i am responsible. however, ownership is an abstract and that has to be gauged on one's own importances, values, definement of reality/universe, self preservation and sanity, etc.

to start(or is that repeat/reiterate), i need no credit. i don’t need “my” self or ideas to be understood. i do not feel for those things. however, what i want is understanding. and the distinction may be confusing. i want common sense, thinking, understanding, awareness, acceptance, wonder in people. i want those things for people, for humanity. it might be an unrealistic ideal though. but it is what i feel for.
perhaps i want others to be enabled with the ability to see what i see. likewise, i like being able to see what others see, but this is not reciprocated by most. most do not feel for this. (“see” – meaning awareness). who i am is inconsequential. i do not need to be recognized for vision or awareness or idea. i just want a relative goodness to be out there for my kind – humans. perhaps what i perceive to be “goodness” is not so. well, it is obviously “not so” due to the way of humans-entire. meaning, on average, humans are continually producing the result that they are capable of. past results are what “history” is made from, and current results are apparent and obvious. future results? that would be governed by evolution.


i want there to be perspective out there.
i want there to be perspective for my species.
i want there to be perspective out there for people.

perspective might mean “understanding”; that all persons have the ability to transcend their own contexts even those of the extremes of prisoner or slave. but is this asking too much? a far-fetched ideal created from too much abstract indulgence.

anyway, i am driven mad with all the nonsense around me. usually i can endure, but i want to not have to endure but rather embrace and accept this. to know the state of things and not be driven so mad by what i already know or expect through experience. things change even amoung relative temporary standards and present permanences(meaning things change, but speaking in terms of a current human “lifetime” some things change so slow that the change will not occur soon enough in its entirety or in relative noticeability to be observed within a single individual’s lifetime).

another question in the funhouse (with reflection)

what happens when an “artist” looks in their mirror?

they "see"

question in the funhouse

who is the most familiar human on the planet?

see what we see

knowledge does not create sensitivity for me. it enhances understanding, enables awareness. just because i realize the differences does not now give me the “right” or make me a “whole new person” or someone that is now more sensitive because i realize it. that is as trivial and nonsense to me as are impulsive trends. do i now see clothes that were not there before? naked is naked.