accoutrement

shoes arrived just before christmas.  fortune, in a fortuneless time.  or a time with many failed endeavours.  but while the endeavours-failed, the experience is without value.  i have gained much observation and result.  i sense an enriched wisdom present.

if i failed to update this note, my eyeglass frames arrived and so soon i will fill the prescription.  money.  but things are on schedule or slightly ahead of.

fantastic sales at old navy netted some nice coverings for the coming chill(fortunately i know of certain locations that move my sizes and styles slower than others).  so far, the winter has been warm.  but winter is young yet and though the yield for snow may be frustratingly low, the chill does not care and will freeze our butts off just the same.

my beard continues it's journey, now - since the second week in october.  i just let it be what it will be. i try not to get in the way of it's nature.  
i find that i am a bit repulsed by decision and fuss of purpose and, well, basiclaly the human state of "me" and "mine" and "what i want"
i make do and tolerate this since i have the same feelings of "me."  i am "human."  we all have that state.
but i  don't feel so aligned or "easy" with  the emotion i observe versus the one that feels right or "easy" to me.  instincts such as emotion or breathing are not ones we struggle over to create.  we may influenece them after a time, learn their science, but for me when it comes to choice, i have a troubling layer.

jewelry.  i don't wear it necessarily.  hair styles?  not necessarily.  if i chose to cut then i am self-ish.  self-serving.  sure it is instinct to groom, to be healthy, to survive, etc. etc.
but there is a sense, a reaction, an emotion in me that does not like the sensation.
that i "like" something almost seems a choice.  a "me"ness.   
i live and sense, "liking" something is an observation of what one is familiar, attracted to, comfortable with, is conducive to or that brings positive results for the individual or what the individual assigns importance to.

some things, humans react negatively to if the nature is altered (piercing) while other things humans react negatively to if the nature is not altered (shaving).
and these ideals or ideas or associtions or whatever, are so fleeting.
i look at the "costumes" of the two last centuries.  i look at how we associate periods and times and romanticize stories by those costumes, those looks, periods of time now complete abstracts to all those living.  well anything 1930 and older.  only the living currently can express or appreciate the cosmogony, their bracket in time.  as they die, those brackets disappear.  recorded history even in the detail we have today cannot capture, for the new individual or the one existing outside of the bracket, the course of that context, that "personal bracketed cosmogony."

times change.  time is an abstract, it is relative.  we detect the changes assigned to the effect of time.  our perception of the indication that time exists.
words change meaning, clothing changes...  trends.  choice to subscribe or not to subscribe.

what a mess, i think.  so much fuss, i often say.  but it is the "way" of the bracket is it not?
and i'm continually in joy of it.  i sense it even when i cry out against it.  maybe i don't feel it is all right. it all often feels incomplete, failing to really capture what is going on.  or maybe it's that i'm surrounded by people who don't care or realize what is going on.  that they don't care to ask or question or search or discover.
maybe i'm  suffering rough edges from not enough like-minded rhythms around me.  no oil for my motors activity.

but somehow i persist.  not "somehow" because there is no question to why.  what i know is that "i work"

i am this way, that i am.  how far, how long does one question that?

am i questioning it now?   no, not really.  i am curious though.  but that is inherent.

i am material.  atoms perhaps.  bits.  stuff.  the same as what i observe.  

we each have this brain, this  "entity" physcally bound or enabled.  it exists amoung the mass of matter we call the human being.  the "body."

i move my hands each day and it is frightfully amazing. i can feel my pulse, i sense the movement of the universe.  i around it, or it around me?  science may prove all it wants, but what is science?  what is real?

does the continua exist regardless of our crap?  or does it all exist because of our crap?

i turn to share these happening thoughts with someone, this stuff of oddly-hidden pulses of the brain.

not until i take action, that is tangibley receivable, is any of it revealed, but revealed in wholly different ways - for the written word is not the way it originally appeared in my mind.  that stuff in the mind is unrecordable - for now. 

i must speak or write or record so that these thoughts may be shared.  because even at that, i have no one around me to receive these interpreted bits when i turn to phrase.

painting helps. drawing helps. finding mediums of expression. maybe that is why some of us become artists.  or display "artist" behaviour.  we just "need to" - it is a side effect, one could say, of the biological state or evolving genetic line that is in effect. 

this blog is labeled "exhaust" because it feels like that is what is happening.  expression in whatever form is an exhaust for the abstracts experienced in the mind. 

and once expelled there may be direct or indirect influence but the exhaust becomes static regarding it's existence in the mind - mainly , because it is no longer "in the mind" but "in the world" and separate from the mind's physical workings.  i tend to call exhaust "crap" or waste or trash, etc.  it is a statement of situation and not personal commentary.

so i will continue to express these ideas from my mind.  put them to tangible situation.   in whatever forms i am able to.