balanced state

i am not good at self promotion. in fact, i don’t think i do it at all. any perceived “self promotion” by anyone (or myself) is by coincidental-overlap or parallel-of-outcome. meaning that in the way i might do something may produce a self-promotion result but where the promoting was not planned.


it is not necessarily that i “believe” in the merits or inherent attraction of a thing or event and expect anything to come from that (on its own); it is that i do what i do and it then exists. it can be said that it then “goes out into the world” and the world will receive it how it will; that i represent who i am, i have my values and importances and i represent those as i do, but when all is said and done, what i do is not “aided” by what i think i perceive as “artificiality” or forced/purposed actions. i can sense (and i do not like the feeling) when i am “trying too hard” or being “artificial.” some would say “it is what has to be done in society” or something along the lines of knowing the reality of things. and i do understand what is real or required in society or human cultural environments. i "get it" and am not running away or ignoring the relative facts of human society or general existence. but, it is not in me to self-promote. i might sound hypocritical to my love of connection with other humans. because how can you connect with humans (i say “most” not “all” humans) if you do not subscribe to the game/language/method/process of general human culture(s). but i say (or think) that there must be a way for me (my dynamic presence and place in existence). and i journey to find that(or develop it, however you'd like to think about it). i do not do it solely. maybe i shortchange myself in not “going after it by the horns” but again, i react to a self-perceived kind of balance of things, of life. and i also know that when i do concentrate mostly on singular ideas, problems, etc. that i burn out after long. it is like sensory overload. think of when you are trying to smell something and you sniff too much or too long. sensory overload. and then you have to take a break. i don’t take breaks that are too long though. it is all “ongoing.” i address my questions and wonders continually. it is not something i find difficult. for who i am it is relatively automatic, but that is not to say that relax on my inherent state or attributes and let them carry me along.

i will say that, by observation, this creates a conundrum between my want to connect with people and people who would appreciate what i represent or have to share, as well as between sanity and madness.