the knots i share

in the ways ago, the befores, i did not write much; did not communicate much.  now, i am still poor at it all.  but i am moreso now than previous.
for me i may note that the ideas appearing in my mind are instant, but only for me.  i hadn't really grasped that idea in the longer past. only in the last decadesh past did i really grasp that only i was benefiting from my thoughts, my stories, my sights.

i witnessed the benefit of the sharings, in myself or in my appreciation of the shares of others. the discoveries i made of the rares and forgottens as well as the knowns and historical. i was glad they persevered to share what they shared.  their minds connected now with all others who would ever find what was left behind.

even in the static and exhaust there is value.  i know it. i acknowledge and accept that truly.
still, my mind is so easily sated by the constant wonder in concert continually- with its no-shy finesse; it's roar and tenor - it's subtle flats, it's quiets.

i know, have known the value of the share; of the "connect" and in the connections we make.  i have neglected many of these opportunities but it is not a "waste" or something to be wept over.  all that we are is the beauty of our being; our dynamic.  our momentum-continuate or "forward momentums" are the right nows that we all know.  our time is the now.  not the whens or ifs but this constant we share and are connected to.

we all are connected to one another.  at this very moment you may be reading this i will have already written it, but my mind was thinking and my digits typing when you were doing...  what?  what were you doing then.  what am i doing now that you read this?  the world spins, a rock lays, the sun burns, atoms combine, someone breaths, it is day... perhaps night.
all at the same time.

and love.  and passion.  and emotion.  we have no control over these, just like we have none over what we like or trust.  our acted-on choices can influence those paths but we do not control those sequences, those aggregations of experience.  when "trust" or "love" is lost it is not because we choose it, it is by results that our instincts react to, and our intellect decides on.  consistency.  discipline helps.  but reliable, or what is familiar and relatively constant, contributes to the things we find comfortable, favourable, lovable, trustable, likable.

but away from that.  here, i state to myself, and for any that may cross my tangible journey, i will not give in.  i cannot.  i am too optimistic in nature to "give in" but what i am meaning is in the "share." i will not give in to not sharing.

i am not the most sociable person, my relative isolation from all those i am bonded to (to whatever degree or relationship) has, i feel, diminished my social skills.  i do get to practice in my daily ventures and, of course, at work where there is quite a diverse field of wonder to exchange, examine, and reflect with.  but the context of work is a bent one, a skewed one that does not inspire the sort of freedom in people to share their whole spectrum.  many contexts in the daily life are like this.

i am also undermined by my habit of not asking the obvious.  i seem to feel that people will tell me when they want or need to.  perhaps i consider it prying or rude if i ask too much.  a bit of tactless action.  but i feel it is perhaps an overreaction or oversensitivity to intrusion or polite behaviour.  perhaps too polite or respectful. maybe it's just my warped associations.
but people want to hear the asking of the simple questions, the obvious things and whots.
but not "all" people.

what i have known is that i have come to block my tangible expression.  my "art" or "works" in other words.  while i never stop in mind, the imaginations, the wonder, the ideas and story, they still go unshared.

my hope is, has been, and now - that i will win my balance back from myself; be able to share how i had, and what i feel everyday.  the sights are grand but when i turn to share it there is only silence, empty shadows.
..
but i will not let those idle casts distract me as they have in the past.  excuses in the mud because i didn't want to get dirty.  excuses can be washed and adventured wins because it is shared with the wonderful and found.

in my many bent year-and-moment, i have fought my mind to produce; to conform; to connect.  what i have discovered is that i am already satisfied. so it is not me, it has never been about me.  and i have been chasing that tail of mine in nonsensed vane.  but perhaps not nonsense.  i needed to scrape my soul on those textures, bruise and stub and bloody myself in instruction to perspective.

my connections are greatest and most important.  they never stop because there is no end.  "death"?
is death such an end? what end do you know in death?
regardless of perceived benefit or detriment - bad or good, happy sad, i enjoy - i appreciate all the facets of the continua and that most definitely includes the life and nonsense of all those i share this earth with.  all their nuance, all their concerns, their stinks and subtles.  their colour, their simple.  their complex and culture.

i argue and gripe and disagree but that is life as well.  i calm down and in my reflections i am too happy, i am too glad.  to know, and to live, and to be with all the things that, everyday,  every all and days and moments, i am part of.  not individuals together, but a whole of parts; that miraculous soup with all of our ingredient and layers of temperature and flavour and season and texture.

we are not so apart but in our minds.  and our minds are not so ruled by rules.  we stop ourselves, we will ourselves, we connect ourselves.

my reflections here are to reaffirm my resolve.  to renew my ongoing vows to free the shares in me.  loosed and contribute.

whatever happens here, my reports will be as consistent and constant as my will commands.  currently it is weak but renewed.  i have been very weak these last few years.  no direction, overwhelmed, too many directions, too many wonders.  i negate myself, undermine myself, too perfectionist, too . . . much.

i do not have much support in my surround.  as i said, i am isolated.  but i know what i have to work with.  i have known the gameplans possible, and i know the resources to call on.  i am stubborn however, i mean my character parts are stubborn.  i can sense when i avert or repulse from the "best" actions.  silly, and frustrating, debilitating.  but i know this so it is something i can take action against.

i believe i will mumble here, make much nonsense, but i will continue to share. consistently share.  if at least, i will share stray and raw thought rather than the more straight exhausts and emotion i tend to take the time to capture in these bloggish or social mediums.  the importance on the "share" is such that i cannot concern myself so much, or at all, with form.  we - "i" need to function.  function to share.
to render my abstracts into accessible tangible forms that are more than just breath or digital dodds.

whoever you are that may read this; be good, be your best and persevere.  do not wholly lean your reality on the accolades or concepts of others. we are chemical beings; know that, and use what you know to gift your mind with the perspectives and perception to serve your dynamic. shared nutrient.