nascently

i am a being of emotion. feeling. i am not design- or rule-oriented, not purposefully or necessarily against though. i follow nature. mine, others, collectively – nature. i have my intellectual insinuations that can get away from me, and i’ve struggled with their intrusions over the years. but since 2003 i’ve been in a new place of conquer possibility- to force the hand that wants that nice soft couch-end.

by design, i’ve failed to achieve what i imagined, but ultimately, when i look back at my struggles and experiences with this attribute of mine, this battle, i see that it is the process that needed to be.

designs, or better put, “conviction” or determination and action – these are good tools; good ways. and i’ve known this, and i’ve learned their value through experience. i like where i am. as a being.

the vibrant deck is still as incredible, as immense and constant but i’m not bowled over by its presence. it’s even moreso now than before, but i have found some kind of rule with it. a channel that we both can distinctly thrive but contribute to one another in those familiar and improvised chords.

every day, things are new as they are – “same.” which just means that i feel~ everything. i drag my sleep with me into the wake quite a distance. like a puppeteer whose strings are braided with rice candy. slowly the dissipation blends that sugary flow to the momentums of the sole. step by step into the wake of fabulous endeavour.

my wake also leans into my sleep. trying to borrow time to spend with its love; the slow divide withers for those moments creating a homonym pairing between those realities. lovely.

my sister “m.” shared with me the word “nascent” and what a good one it is. at some point i probably played with it in the past, because it is quite familiar. but i enjoy it as new. i welcome that.
for me everything is continually refreshed, continually new, continually different which is new.
life is reciprocal and a reflection. it is refreshing even when seemingly darkest.

i appreciate all. maybe i cannot “help it,” perhaps my particular situation affords me something that i don’t have to earn, or work for but at the same time i am very aware of the value, and i recognize what it is i have to offer – and the importance of making sure i share that.

even the sad flounder in the low tide stench has it’s magnificence to be appreciated. appreciation is neither negative or positive it is awareness and acceptance. it is the digestion of one’s connection to existence.